Raw

If someone were to ask me how I was doing, I’d be sheltering this thought:

I’m looking to put much more upstream effort into this life right now, it is needed. There is a level of unsatisfactory & discomfort that has reached new heights. I’m engaging with it & meeting this level with all previous conquered levels of strength & effort. I feel as if I’m being challenged the most I’ve ever been challenged. Nothing seems fair about my circumstances and I can’t help but seek some rationality of this imbalance in the process to which is becoming pointless, it is becoming intensely draining. The grey cloud above my head has not alleviated itself from my sky’s horizon, these clouds are showing signs of consistency.

What will defeat it?

My mind revolves around something new, but not really – just a bit more (me) energy behind something I’ve done before. BUT things are different now & my environment has shifted, I often think on why or how but even then my answers are not the answers to the resolve.

Can it be this difficult I asked myself, the mirror I frequently speak to responded with “for greatness, yes.”

Continuing my inner-talk I ask: Has it been much easier for the ‘greats’ before me? The mirror only says three words: “see for yourself”

But..

And that’s where I’m slightly stuck. The journey has a beauty to it, the destination is just a plus, but I find myself questioning what’s exciting to me in this specific path leading to the goals. I look into more of what has to be done and I see something I would rather not. It looks, sounds, smell, taste, & feels like genuine hardship. I don’t like these options of sacrifice & I don’t think my friends OR anyone I know sacrificing quite like me. I’m isolated here it seems. Why am I thinking that if anyone was in my shoes they wouldn’t have got this far in this life? Why do I feel like I’ve been qualified for everything in my journey but disconnected with this part of the process? It can’t be my living situations, it can’t be my financial issues, it can’t be my passions. I’m thinking hard & that may be the problem. Too much thinking not enough doing or enough blind doing.

Am I suffering? Is this the suffering required to live out my highest truth & furthest dreams? I have these timeless questions but I am growing tired of the patience required for the answers.

But if you asked me how I was doing, I’d probably tell you “I’m doing okay”.